my place.
I know my blog is dead. Rarely, or never has pictures. I blog boring stuffs. Still, I love to blog eventhough I know there might even be nobody reading my blog. Oh well, I blog to express anyway. Not to impress.
So if you find my blog is boring and lame or too emo, dont bother criticising because I wont give a shit about it.
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I cant sleep baby.

I need you here with me to stop me from thinking. I want to stop. Kick my brains, let me forget. I dont want to remember anything you told me about your past, neither do I want to remember all our silly bickerings. This is why I want you to stop, because each and every fact I heard is the nightmares I face every night. This is too much, too much pressure. I'm on the verge of killing. I cant seem to talk this out when I'm with you, fear that it might destroy the mood of the day I'm with you. Reason being I hate to see you mad, or to see you sulk. With that, I know the whole day will just collapse and every fun we had will be destroyed. Because when you sulk or get mad, I did nothing, I always do. Just watch from the side and get pissed with myself, with you, with everything because I cant do anything. I feel stupid, leaving me utterly speechless when each time I have something to say to make you feel better, there's always something else that bothers me. I have been called stupid, pathetic and useless before, because I never fail to say the wrong things which I thought was right and that obviously worsen everything. Especially when I started saying something simple and you brushed it all off immediately and that made me fucking scared to continue. Furthermore, deep down inside my heart something is telling me that I am pathetic. To be short and plump and have an ugly belly and an unintelligent brains and whatsoever else. I feel nothing. I feel like I mean nothing. I am insignificant.

And the fact that you hate some of the things in life just because of her, I seriously find it fucking annoying. That just shows one thing, which I find quite true by looking at my ownself. And the one thing that shows, is moreover killing me slowly if I keep on thinking about it. Stop telling me things that make me think that you're still fucking thinking about her, no matter whatever it is. I feel that she is so damn fucking special, and that thinking made me feel that I am nothing compared to her. Nothing. I know you told me umpteen times that she is already nothing but the fact is, I cant stop thinking. Nothing is making me stop.

Tell me how do you feel when my guy friend text me, maybe a guy friend that always went out with me last time sometimes only the two of us. Because honestly, I quite feel sicked looking at you texting one of your girl friend sometimes. Especially when I know she also used to mean something only that you didnt get to go for it. I feel like the thick rope is strangling my neck hanging me from the top.

I never want to say I give up, even after feeling everything I think I must not go through, even after I sometimes feel like I am on the verge of it. Because I love you so much, never can I imagine myself to be apart from you. I dont want anything to happen. Even typing this out is tearing me apart, what else me talking this out to you. I think I'll get crushed down to pieces.

I am sorry for being childish, self-centred and irrelevant sometimes, but I just need to let it all out sometimes. If you read this, then just try not to bring this up to me. Enough of tonight, I need to wake up three hours from now, I hope I feel better later.

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